Wartime

These days are troublesome and long. Too quiet, too loud. Just beyond the doors, it seems a host of enemies lie in wait to ambush us. We sit and wait for God to come to our rescue. He is our only hope.

I long for the simple things. Like curling up on the living room floor, a pillow under-head, surrounded by my siblings as we watch a movie. Or listening to them sing. Reading a book. Playing a game. No enemies, no battles, no war. I try to be grateful for the past three years of peace and rest. Here in this house, there have been no bad memories... Not until a couple of weeks ago. No one knew where we lived. The children got older and formed a choir and it was as if God gave them the voices of angels. We got off food stamps; for the first time since before everything happened, finances ceased to be an issue for us.  I kept on writing. It seemed like we'd left behind forever the old pains and worries. It was only three weeks ago that we talked about moving to a beautiful new house on a mountain with land to plant on and hills to climb and places for the kids to camp out and build tents. Things have been moving quickly upward and forward. Now it feels as if everything is frozen; as if we took several paces backwards and now we're stalled, waiting for the rain to stop, the storm to pass.

I know this is the life God has chosen for us. The last days of the world draw near and all these trials we face and things we suffer will prepare us for those times. I don't know if our future involves raising chickens and singing around campfires. Perhaps it will for a season. But right now, its battle time and it hurts. It's hard. My mind plays tricks on me and I imagine that I can hear sirens. Feet thumping, doors slamming, voices calling. I dream at night of darkness and social workers and hiding.

I force myself to work on the book because this island and all the people on it need to know the truth. There's so much that they don't know, so many lies circulated about us that aren't true. If it all comes out and people see what was done to us and why we are the way that we are... maybe things could be different. They'll all leave us alone. They won't say such horrible things about us. We can be happy and safe and serve God and watch the little ones grow up. That's all I want out of this life. To know that God is my Father in Heaven and one day, I and my family will go to be with Him... and until that day comes, to live out this life together, unperturbed by society and its demands for conformation.