Five Months Later

So much has happened since I last blogged on here, I almost don't know where to begin!

Our circumstances have dramatically improved for one thing, thank God. We no longer live in the small, dusty apartment that saw so much trial and sorrow in those last few months. Not many people know where we live now, and we intend to keep it that way for as long as we can. Happily, our home is the very mountain home that we dreamed of in the midst of our tribulations back in April. It's more than what we could have ever hoped for, and I still look around me in amazement when I remember the miracle and the circumstances that led us here.

I haven't been able to get a laptop of my own as of yet, but my sister generously lets me use hers and I have been writing. Nearly every day for a month now, for two to three hour stretches. I've rewritten (so far) the first twenty chapters of my book and for the first time since I started writing it, I am almost satisfied when I reread it. Not totally satisfied but more than I've ever been before, which is saying a lot.

I think my biggest fear when it comes to telling our story is that I won't do it justice. I won't give it the depth and the meaning that it deserves. But I've learned to submit that fear to God - to trust that whatever piece I eventually end up with is the one that it was always meant to be. I've given it my all, this book, and I know I haven't done it all on my own. To be honest, the days where I get the most done, the days where I see my best work, are the days where I first pray for the Holy Spirit to touch me, to anoint me in what I must do, and then it's almost easy. The words flow quicker, the phrases fit together. I could spend hours writing if I didn't have to turn off the computer and return to the reality of present life. At least our reality has changed enough so that the present no longer mimics the past. But I still struggle with fitting the two together... Half the time, I might as well be sleepwalking. I'm always half-in that other realm, that other atmosphere, and there are days where I barely shift back to the reality of this one. But the beauty of the present is a gift and I don't take it for granted.

There are still questions I have concerning my book, and I wait patiently for God to lead me in the answers. Questions like - should it be two volumes or just one? Do I self-publish or find a publishing company? Do I need a literary agent? If so, where do I find one? I don't worry about these questions though, because God has never failed in providing what we've needed. He'll show me.

For now, blogging must remain somewhat of a backburner concept since our internet is slow. In the meantime, I'll continue writing. Something tells me that I'll be finished (at least with the first volume) by the end of this year.

My Prayer

In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust: let me never be put to confusion.
Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me.
Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me, for thou art my rock and my fortress.
Deliver me, O my God, out of the hand of the wicked, out of the hand of the unrighteous and cruel man.
For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth.

Psalm 71:1-5

It seems like every time I close my eyes I can see flashing blue lights and police cars. In a crowded room filled with chatter, I imagine I can hear sirens. It's all tricks of the mind and tactics of the enemy; if I rebuke it, it goes away. Even so, I know I must put all my trust in the Lord and not give into fear... Perhaps this is all meant to heal us. Perhaps these little tastes, these little flashbacks of our sufferings, are sent with the design of tearing down the monuments of fear it created in our minds. I have to find it within me to rise above whatever might come against us and put all my trust in the Almighty God, believing that He will save us. He won't let the enemy prevail against us. And while I wait for His salvation, I must muster the courage to return to my writing... it sits neglected and I think of it throughout the day, as I go about life, knowing it has to be worked on, knowing it has to be finished. It's all a struggle. It's all pain. What's one pain compared to another? Even amidst the apostles' sufferings they managed to write the New Testament... I can't let myself abandon the mission, not when its so important that its finished.

Showing vs. Telling

Something I learned over the course of the past few years writing this book is how important it is show the reader what happened rather than tell them what happened... For example, instead of writing, "Mr. Johnson was a cruel man," the author ought to show the reader, through dialogue, circumstance, and situations, Mr. Johnson's character without resorting to topic sentence style summaries which gives the reader nothing more than an adjective or a label to go off of. The goal is to create a reaction; it's to dig it's way into someone's heart and get them to feel something for the character.

My struggle with this book has always been doing that very thing. When I don't want to face writing a particular memory or describing a certain situation (the majority of the book) I distance myself from the material. To get it over with as quickly as possible, I tell a summary of the event without emotionally involving myself and the result is a relatively eloquent piece lacking in grit and true feeling. Today I was reading over the last portion of writing I've added to my manuscript and I got so frustrated as I realized how much telling I've been doing lately. I'm working on the events that were taking place towards the end of 2006 and it's blatantly clear by the style of writing I automatically fall into how much I don't want to be writing about that time and those memories.

It's my struggle and my own private battle that I wrestle over daily, even if I don't write, even if I do nothing but open the manuscript and stare blankly at the computer screen. It's always there. And only by turning to the Lord and asking for help do I find relief.

INTRODUCING Mere Suspicion: Writing the Story

I created this blog for the purpose of documenting my journey of writing my autobiography/memoir titled MERE SUSPICION. It's a book dedicated to describing what was the most painful, overwhelming time of my family's life. I started it in 2009 and I hope to finish it this year, God willing. By posting daily blogs, I'll be sharing my trials and triumphs throughout the phases of writing, editing, revising, translating and ultimately, publishing Mere Suspicion.